


You Have 487 New Messages (Or, In Which Sherlock Holmes Starts a Grouptext)

by JenTheSweetie



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Eventual Johnlock, Gen, M/M, borderline crack because why not, dedicated to everyone who has ever been trapped in a grouptext, post-s4, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-10-15 04:59:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 13,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10550472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenTheSweetie/pseuds/JenTheSweetie
Summary: MH: Please remove me from this thread.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Polski available: [Masz 487 nieodczytanych wiadomości (albo: Sherlock Holmes rozpoczyna grupową konwersację)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13013526) by [Pirania](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pirania/pseuds/Pirania)



> Thank you to Snapjack, for being my cheerleader and the best brainstormer ever, and to JF, for inspiring me by having a grouptext that this one can only ever aspire to.
> 
> Approximately 10 chapters, updated every few days.

**1 June 2017**

__

_Group message: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, Greg Lestrade, Mrs. Hudson, Molly Hooper, Mycroft Holmes_

__

_SH:_  Where is my skull

 _GL:_  Inside your head, hopefully?

 _JW:_  He's talking about the one keeps on the mantel

 _JW:_  Did this really require a group text?

 _MoH:_  Ooh, I love grouptexts!

 _MH:_  Please remove me from this thread.

 _MrsH_ : Who is texting me?  Who are all of you?

 _SH_ : Where is my skull

 _MrsH_ : Sherlock?  Is that you?

 _JW:_  Sherlock, why would anybody take your skull?

 _JW:_  Mrs. Hudson, it's a group text

 _JW:_ Don't worry about it, I'll come down and add everyone to your address book

 _SH_ : One day ago my skull was in its normal location.  Now it is gone.  You have all been to 221B in the previous 24 hours.  Conclusion: one of you has it.

 _MoH:_  It's not me.  I try to stay away from body parts when not at work.  Ha ha

 _MH:_  Please remove me from this thread.

 _GL_ : Why d'you think one of us has taken it?  

 _JW:_  Because he's mad

 _MrsH_ : I'll come help you look for it if you'd like

 _MrsH:_  I'm good at that.  Last week I found a pair of your pants under the sofa, remember?

 _SH:_  That was not necessary to share with the entire group, Mrs. Hudson.

 _GL_ : I disagree, mate

 _GL:_  Find anything else at Baker Street recently Mrs. H?

 _SH:_  Do not answer him.

 _JW:_  You've no one to blame but yourself, Sherlock

 _MrsH_ : I'm not their housekeeper!

 _MoH_ : Why were you pants under the sofa?

 _MoH_ : Nevermind, I'd actually rather not know

 _MH:_  Please remove me from this thread.

_SH has changed name of grouptext to_ __ **Where Is My Skull**

****

**2 June 2017**

****

_SH_ : I am serious about one you needing to return my skull.

 _GL:_  I'm serious about finding out why you were taking your pants off in the living room

 _JW:_  Rosie was helping me fold laundry and she stashed a few bits and pieces around

 _SH:_  "Helping" is a generous word.

 _SH:_ My sock index will likely never recover.

 _MoH:_  Your WHAT?

 _JW:_  Oh my god don't get him started

 _JW:_ His drawers are the work of someone with moderate to severe OCD 

_JW:_  And yet I'm not sure he's ever cleaned a dish in his life

 _SH_ : That's rich coming from someone who didn't notice I was using the toilet brush to grow mould cultures for almost a year.

 _MrsH_ : And it's not like the two of you even OWN a hoover

 _MrsH_ : They've been borrowing mine for ten years!

 _MH:_  Please remove me from this thread.

 _SH:_  We are getting off topic.  The topic of this conversation is MY SKULL.

 _GL_ : What would any of us do with your skull?  Normal people don't have any use for skulls

 _GL:_  Unless someone's performing Hamlet?

 _MrsH_ : I'm coming upstairs now, I'm sure we'll find it in no time

 _MrsH:_  Do you want any tea?

 _MrsH:_  Just this once

 _SH:_  Yes, thank you.

 _JW:_  Me as well, if the kettle's on, ta

 _SH_ : Update for all interested parties - skull found in Rosie's toy chest.

 _GL_ :Lovely.  Really nailing that whole 'raising a normal kid' thing, well done both of you

 _JW:_  Thanks Greg, appreciate it


	2. Chapter 2

**16 June 2017**

_GL:_  Has anyone seen Sherlock?  He's not answering his phone

 _GL_ : I've got a case

 _GL has changed name of_ **Where Is My Skull**   _to_   **Sherlock GPS System**

 _MoH_ : Haven't seen him since yesterday when he stopped by to pick up a bunch of blood and told me my hair wasn't thinning as much as I thought it was

 _MoH_ : Almost none of those details were necessary, in retrospect

 _MrsH_ : I agree with him, Molly!  

 _MrsH:_  Your hair is still lovely, you've got quite a few years left before you go downhill

 _MrsH:_  I'm in Yorkshire for the weekend so no idea on Sherlock but I bet John would know!  

 _MH:_  Please remove me from this thread.

 _MH:_  Unless Sherlock is actually missing, at which point please contact me directly, and then remove me from this thread.

 _JW:_  He's at home, his mobile’s out of commission

 _GL_ : Out of commission?

 _JW:_  He's been on a YouTube kick and he discovered Will It Blend

 _GL:_  lololol

 _MoH_ : NO

 _MoH_ : He DIDN'T!

 _JW:_  Oh, he did

 _MrsH:_  What did he do?

 _MrsH:_  What's "Will It Blend"?

 _JW:_  Don't worry about it

 _JW:_  You'll have a new blender by the time you're back from Yorkshire

 _JW:_ I think he's going to st

 _JW:_  Lestrade, this had better be a 7 or above. SH

 _GL_ : They've found a body frozen straight through in Wembley

 _JW:_  Frozen?  It's June. SH

 _GL:_  It gets better

 _GL_ : They can't get it to defrost.

 _JW:_  Delightful.  Text John the address. SH

 _JW:_  I hope I'm not on any watch lists now that my mobile has texted the word "Delightful" about a murder

 _JW:_  It's John again by the way

 _JW:_  If that wasn't clear

 _MrsH_ : Sounds like a good one, boys, can't wait to read about it on the blog!

 _MH_ : I wouldn't worry about it, John.

 _MH: Y_ ou're on every watch list already.


	3. Chapter 3

**28 June 2017**

****

_JW:_  Hello all, sorry to bring this thing back from the dead but you're all invited to Rosie's birthday this Saturday 

_JW:_  2 pm at our place

 _JW:_  and please don't bring presents because Sherlock's already bought her enough nonsense to last her til her next birthday

 _SH_ : Thank you for referring to my educational gifts as "nonsense".

 _SH_ : Clearly you don't want a present for YOUR next birthday.

 _JW:_  You've NEVER gotten me a birthday present

 _JW:_  Do you even know when my birthday is???

 _GL:_  March, isn't it mate?

 _GL:_  Oh, that was for Sherlock

 _SH_ : I was about to say March but Lestrade beat me to it.

 _JW:_  A likely story

 _GL:_  Can you two keep your domestics off the group text? 

_JW:_  Anyway please let me know if you're coming so we get enough food

 _JW:_  Also Sherlock is doing the decor if that's of any interest

 _MoH_ : Sherlock's decorating?  I've got to see this

 _MoH_ : Of course I would have come anyway!  Sherlock's not the draw!  Ha ha! 

_SH_ : That was meant to be a secret John.

 _GL has changed name of_ **Sherlock GPS System** _to_   **Baker Street Party Planners**

****

_JW_ : I think they would have guessed when they spotted that the cutouts are little magnifying glasses and skeletons

 _MrsH_ : I'll be there obviously!  

 _MrsH_ : But will not be doing the cleanup this year just a reminder.  Not your housekeeper!

 _GL:_  Wouldn't miss it John, as long as we can have the Chelsea game on in the background yeah?

 _MH_ : I will be in attendance.

 _SH_ : You were not invited Mycroft.

 _MH_ : I'm on this group text am I not?

 _MH:_  Though I would of course prefer to be removed.

 _JW_ : Of course you’re invited Mycroft, ignore him

 _MH_ : See you all Saturday.

-

**1 July 2017**

****

_JW:_  Any chance anyone can pick up a cake on their way?

 _JW:_  There's been a bit of a mishap here

 _GL_ : Rosie get to it already?

 _JW:_  Sherlock actually.  [Photo - fridge.jpg -  1.7.2017 12:39 pm]

 _SH:_ It was only a small explosion.

 _MoH_ : I'll stop at Tesco

 _SH_ : Maybe Mycroft won't come if there's no cake?  

 _SH:_  Silver linings and all.

 _MH_ : Nice try, little brother.  I'm already on my way.

_SH has removed MH from_ **Baker Street Party Planners**

****

_SH has added MH to_ **Baker Street Party Planners**

****

_JW:_ Apparently he decided it's a bigger punishment to keep you in than to kick you out

 _SH_ : Precisely.


	4. Chapter 4

**16 July 2017**

****

_MoH_ : Hello friends!  I'm off to Santorini next month for a girls weekend and trying to get fit before I go swimsuit shopping, haha  

 _MoH_ : All the blogs say that you do better with an accountability buddy so would anyone like to train with me?

 _MoH:_  Nothing too strenuous, just lifting weights, perhaps a jog in the park, maybe an occasional dance class

 _MrsH_ : I'd love to dear, but you know all about my hip

 _MrsH:_  Send pictures from Greece!  I met a lovely boy there when I was your age 

_MrsH:_ Don't forget to pack your best intimates

 _JW:_  Well there's an image I won't soon get out of my head

 _JW:_  Good for you Molly, but I think I get enough exercise these days chasing my two year old and the occasional criminal

 _SH_ : I'll do it.

 _GL_ : I'm sorry, WHAT?

 _GL:_  SHERLOCK?

 _GL:_  Is that really you? 

_GL:_  Have you been kidnapped?  Should I start a search and rescue?

 _SH:_  I'm more used to bare knuckle boxing but I suppose dancing is not out of the question.

 _GL_ : This is the best day of my life

 _GL:_ Please send pictures

 _JW_ : I'll second that.

 _MH:_  Third, and I'll pay for them, Ms. Hooper

 _SH:_  Taking this to private text.

**18 July 2017**

****

_MoH_ : Hello from Regent's Park!  We're off for a jog, cheer us on!

 _MoH_ : [Photo - SherlockRunning.jpg -  18.7.2017 17:45 pm]

 _GL:_  He's barely in that one Molly, you can do better

 _MoH_ : He keeps running away when I'm trying to take a photo

 _MoH_ : I didn't even know he owned trainers?

 _JW:_  He bought them yesterday

 _SH:_  I would have run in my YSL's but John said no.

 _GL has changed_ **Baker Street Party Planners**   _to #_ **Fitspiration**

****

_SH:_  What is "fitspiration."

 _GL_ : I dunno, Molly keeps posting about it on Facebook

 _MoH_ : It’s meant to be motivating you know?

 _MoH_ : Things like "The first step of the personal fitness journey is accepting that you deserve a great body!"

 _GL_ : Oh god that's awful

 _GL has changed_   **#Fitspiration**   _to_   **#AnythingButFitspiration**

 _JW:_  Aren't you two supposed to be jogging instead of texting?

 _MoH_ : We've taken a break 

_MoH:_  Sherlock's getting a pastry actually

 _JW:_  I made him a sandwich for lunch and he didn't touch it but now he's getting a pastry? 

_MoH_ : [Photo - SherlockCroissant.jpg -  18.7.2017 18:22 pm]

 _SH_ : I'm expending energy whilst jogging and I require sustenance.

 _SH_ : I'll thank you all to stay out of my personal fitness journey.


	5. Chapter 5

**29 July 2017**

****

_SH_ : Rosie has something to share with all of you.

_SH:_  [Video - RosieABCs.jpg -  29.7.2017 19:08]

_MoH_ : Oh that's the cutest thing ever 

_MrsH_ : Well done Rosie!  

_MrsH_ : Now that she’s mastered it, perhaps you can stop singing it yourself Sherlock?  I can hear you from down here!  

_GL_ : Wild Saturday night over at Baker Street I see

_SH_ : For some more than others.

_SH_ : John's on a date.

_MoH:_  Oooh is he?

_JW:_  It's not a date

_JW:_  Just an old friend from uni in town

_GL:_  You shouldn't be texting when you’re on a date

_SH_ : She's in the bathroom or he wouldn't be.

_SH_ : Obviously.

_JW_ : It’s not a date!

_SH_ : She thinks it's a date.

_JW_ : Well, I can't help that, can I

_MrsH:_  You looked very smart in your jumper when you left!  I'm sure your date agrees!

_MoH_ : Which jumper did he wear? 

_SH_ : The grey one with the stripes.  Gift from Harry, Christmas 2016.

_MoH_ : Ooh that one is lovely, very form fitting too.

_MoH_ : Though personally I'm always partial to a nice button down on dates

_MoH_ : Not that I go on that many!  Haha!

_GL_ : Why do you all keep track of John's clothes?!  Women are mad

_GL_ : *women and Sherlock Holmes

_JW:_  Hear hear

_GL has changed the name of_ **#AnythingButFitspiration**   _to_   **The Bachelor Viewing Party**

****

_JW:_  fuck off greg

**30 July 2017**

****

_GL:_  So how was the date?  Spill, Watson

_SH_ : He arrived home after 3.

_SH_ : Deduce from that what you will.

_GL:_  Cheers mate

_MrsH_ : Oooh exciting! I'll be expecting all the details at tea today!

_MoH_ : Yay John!

_MH_ : The British Government extends its congratulations, Dr. Watson.

_JW_ : I hate all of you


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These folks just won't stop texting each other, so I've extended the number of chapters accordingly. Thank you so much to everyone who's been reading along - it's such a pleasure to hear from you!

**8 August 2017**

****

_GL_ : So what ever happened to last week’s date, John?  Another date anytime soon???

 _JW_ : You do know you can just text me things like this directly

 _GL_ :Yeah, but then you’d have to have the same conversation with everybody

 _GL_ : Waste of time

 _GL_ : I’m looking out for you, really

 _JW_ : Lucky me

 _GL_   _has changed_   **The Bachelor Viewing Party**   _to_   **The Bachelor Recaps**

 _MrsH_ : Ooh do tell!

 _MoH_ : Yes, we all want to hear!  

 _SH_ : Frankly I’m more interested in the liver waiting for me in the freezer.

 _GL_ : Well you don’t have to read along then

 _JW:_  There’s nothing to tell really

 _JW_ : It was nice to catch up with her 

_JW_ : And to get out a bit

 _SH_ : You get out all the time.  We went out today.

 _JW_ : We went to the morgue

 _JW_ : Bit different

 _JW_ : No offense Molly

 _MoH_ : Oh none taken!

 _MoH_ : So are you seeing her again?  

 _SH_ : Our trip to the morgue was very satisfactory.  I got my liver after all.

 _JW_ : She lives in Yorkshire  

 _JW_ : So I don’t think so

 _MrsH_ : Too bad dear

 _MrsH_ : Someone closer to home next time perhaps?

 _SH_ : It’s a particularly diseased one which is always quite useful.  

 _JW_ : Perhaps

 _GL_ : Ah well, better luck next time

 _SH_ : The liver’s owner clearly had a gambling problem.

 _MoH_ : How could you possibly know that from his liver?

 _GL_ : There’s a new social worker my department’s liaising with who you might like

 _GL_ : Want an introduction?

 _SH_ : [Photo - Liver 1 of 6.jpg -  8.8.2017 17:19]

 _MrsH_ : Oh Sherlock you’ve put me right off my tea with that

 _JW:_  Thanks for the offer, Greg, but I don’t have much time for dating anyway

 _JW_ : Sherlock please tell me you’re not going to send five more photos of that liver 

_SH_ : [Photo - Liver 2 of 6.jpg -  8.8.2017 17:22]

 _JW_ : Right, I’m going to go take away his phone

 _GL_ : Much appreciated mate


	7. Chapter 7

**11 August 2017**

****

_SH_ : EMERGENCY AT 221B.

 _GL_ : What

 _MoH_ : Like actually??  

 _MoH_ : What can I do???

 _MrsH:_  Shall I come home from the spa?

 _GL:_ I can have an ambulance there in 5 mins

 _MH_ : I can have one there in 4.

 _GL_ : Sherlock please reply

 _GL:_ SHERLOCK

 _SH_ : We're out of nappies.

 _GL_ : That's not an EMERGENCY you git

 _GL_ : I've sent an officer around for Christ’s sake

 _GL_ : Drama queen

 _MrsH_ : Oh you know how he is Detective Inspector.  

 _SH_ : I don’t understand in what sense this is NOT an emergency.

 _GL_ : In the sense of the TECHNICAL DEFINITION of emergency!

 _SH_ : John will be at the clinic for another four hours.  I cannot let Rosie run around without clothes for that long.

 _SH:_  Though to be fair she’s already spent several minutes in the nude and is no worse for the wear.

 _MoH_ : Shouldn't she be toilet training by now?

 _MoH_ : Not that I really know anything about babies!

 _MH_ : Sherlock didn't get out of nappies until he was three.

 _MH_ : At first I thought he was slow, but ultimately he was just being difficult.

 _MH_ : How little has changed.

 _MrsH_ : Children go at their own pace!  I can just picture Sherlock at three in nappies.  How sweet.  Back to my manicure now xx

 _SH_ : One of these days I will end you Mycroft.

 _SH_ : No one has addressed my emergency. 

_SH:_ Soon I shall have to make her a nappy out of one of John's ugliest jumpers and some safety pins.

 _SH_ : Actually that sounds perfect.

 _GL_ : Can't help you, some of us are at work dealing with REAL emergencies

 _GL_ : Arsehole

 _MoH_ : I'm at work too, can't you just run to the store?

 _SH_ : Rosie is refusing to put clothes on so I believe taking her to Tesco in this state would be frowned upon.

 _MH_ : A courier will arrive in less than twenty minutes.

 _MH_ : You’re welcome.

 _JW:_  Jesus Christ Sherlock 

_JW_ : I came back to my mobile to 34 messages and you yelling about an emergency

 _JW_ : Nearly had a heart attack 

_JW:_  I swear to god

 _JW_ : We'll be talking about texting etiquette tonight 

_GL has changed_ **The Bachelor Recaps** _to_   **Mycroft Holmes Nappy Delivery Service**


	8. Chapter 8

**19 August 2017**

****

_GL_ : Anyone want to grab dinner or a drink tonight?

 _GL_ : I was going to stay in but I've just solved a case and feel like celebrating

 _SH_ : You solved one without me?  Well done, you.

 _GL_ : I solve most of my cases without you actually

 _GL_ : Git

 _GL_ : You're not invited now, how's that

 _SH_ : I didn't want to go anyway.

 _JW_ : Sounds good Greg, where and when?

 _SH_ : Oh so I'm meant to stay in and watch Rosie then?

 _JW_ : You just said you didn't want to go!

 _SH_ : Perhaps I have other plans.

 _SH_ : Molly, would you like to see a film tonight?

 _GL_ : Hang on, you can't go and make other plans just so John and I can't go out

 _MoH_ : Errrrr

 _MoH_ : I WAS hoping to see the new Tom Cruise one actually

 _SH_ : Lovely, pick me up at 7

 _MoH_ : Oh I'm picking you up?  All right

 _MoH_ : Not that I thought it was a date or anything!

 _JW_ : Sherlock, you hate Tom Cruise

 _SH_ : No I don't.  

 _SH_ : You don't know who I hate.

 _JW_ : You've deleted everything he's ever been in 

_GL_ : So now John's staying in and Sherlock and Molly are going to the cinema

 _GL_ : Have we all forgotten that I was the one who wanted to go out in the first place?!

 _MrsH_ : Oh for heavens sake you all know I'll be happy to mind the baby

 _MrsH_ : We go to bed at the same time anyway

 _JW_ : Mrs. Hudson that's very kind but not necessary

 _GL_ : Don't listen to John, that's very kind AND very necessary, ta

 _MrsH_ : Don't mention it boys!

 _SH_ : John's right, I do hate Tom Cruise, I've just looked him up.

 _SH_ : He reminds me of a serial killer I captured in 2005.

 _SH_ : That's not why I hate him, though.  Just an interesting additional fact.  

 _MoH_ : Oh all right then

 _SH_ : Why don't you come over and we'll have a Bond marathon.

 _JW:_  Oh you'll enjoy that Molly.  He's got very strong feelings about Q branch 

_MoH_ : Sounds good!

 _SH_ : You as well Mrs. Hudson.

 _MrsH_ : Wouldn't miss it dear.

 _SH_ : Q Branch is absurd!  They would never make anything that specific and anyway they contract that sort of thing out to the Americans for the most part.

 _SH_ : Isn't that right Mycroft?

 _MH_ : No comment.

 _GL_ : Honestly that sounds like more fun than my local

 _JW:_  I was hoping you'd say that

 _GL_ : Damn

 _GL_ : See you all soon


	9. Chapter 9

**9 September 2017**

_GL_ : John, has Sherlock got anything on?

 _GL_ : I’ve texted him but he just sent me a random string of letters followed by an emoji of a satellite dish

 _GL_ : I didn’t even know there WAS a satellite dish emoji

 _JW_ : He’s given his mobile to Rosie

 _JW_ : He’s not got anything at the moment but he says he’s doing an experiment

 _JW_ : I’m fairly certain it’s an experiment to see how best to drive me round the twist by being the most annoying person on the planet 

_SH_ : I am in this grouptext you realize John.

 _JW_ : Yeah I hadn’t forgotten 

_GL_ : Sherlock, I’ve got a case

 _GL_ : Murder at LSE

 _GL:_  Quite a bloody one too

 _SH_ : Probably a professor killed by an angry student.

 _SH_ : Boring.

 _GL_ : Hang on, I haven’t even said anything about it yet

 _GL_ : Although it was a professor

 _GL_ : But term hasn’t started yet, there aren’t any students around

 _SH_ : Obviously.

 _GL_ : Just come round for a bit

 _GL_ : We’re still looking for the murder weapon

 _JW:_  Yeah he’s given his mobile back to Rosie, sorry

 _GL:_  Show him this for me, will you?

 _GL_ : [Photo - Crime Scene 1.jpg -  9.9.2017 16:01]

 _MrsH_ : Well isn’t that terrible

 _MrsH_ : It looks very interesting, Sherlock, you ought to take a look!

 _MoH_ : Wow, and here I’ve only been dealing with heart disease and lung cancer all week!  lol

 _MoH_ : Sorry, “lol” wasn’t quite right for the situation

 _MoH_ : Medical examiner humour, you know, haha

 _MoH_ : I oughtn’t say “haha” either

 _MoH_ : I’m just shutting up now

 _SH_ : Hm.  Send another.

 _GL_ : [Photo - Crime Scene 2.jpg -  9.9.2017 16:03]

 _SH_ : No students around, you said?  But other professors surely.

 _GL_ : Yeah, a few.  He was found by someone else from his department

 _GL_ : Looks like he was quite accomplished.  Lots of awards and things on the desk

 _JW_ : Maybe professional jealousy?

 _SH_ : Send a photo.

 _GL_ : Of the crime scene?

 _GL_ : Just come down here, will you?

 _SH_ : No, of the professor who found him.  I’ve learned everything I can from your poorly lit crime scene photos, obviously.

 _JW_ : Obviously, he says

 _GL_ : Dunno what good it’ll do, but here you go

 _GL_ : [Photo - Crime Scene 3.jpg -  9.9.2017 16:08]

 _SH_ : As expected.

 _SH_ : Arrest the dead man’s wife.

 _GL_ : WHAT?? 

_GL_ : Hang on

 _GL_ : I never even said he was married

 _SH_ : You didn’t have to, he’s got a photo of his family facing outward on his desk.  Even with the blood splatter you should be able to tell what a family looks like, Lestrade.

 _GL_ : Well all right then.  He’s married, fine.  Doesn’t mean his wife killed him

 _SH_ :   _[1 of 4]_ It’s clear from the suitcase in the corner that he’s just returned from a business trip, probably a conference, likely with other members of his department.  His wife came to meet him at school, bit of a surprise, she’s missed him etc, but he hasn’t had time to change, and she realizes he’s been 

_SH:_   _[2 of 4]_ cheating on her on his trip.  Probably the scent of perfume, possibly just the look on his face, doesn’t matter anyway, she had all the confirmation she needed.  She became infuriated, he tried to calm her, hence the disruption of the chair he had been sitting at when she walked in, and she picked up the nearest item, which happened to be

 _SH: [3 of 4]_  that hideous marble obelisk, and smashed him over the head with it.  It’s the only thing not covered in blood on his desk because she tried to wipe it down so it wouldn’t have her prints on it, nevermind that now it stands out, murderers are often very stupid.  The professor who found him is the other woman, clearly.  Young, pretty, makeup wrecked from crying.  They arrived back from the airport together 

_SH: [4 of 4]_ just this afternoon to get in a bit of actual work after having a lovely affair at their dull conference and now he’s dead.  Honestly Lestrade, she looks a mess, didn’t you realize she was overly upset over a mere COLLEAGUE?  

 _JW:_  Sherlock

 _JW_ : You’re incredible

 _JW:_  I mean that’s incredible

 _SH_ : Anyone could have solved it if only they’d LOOKED.

 _SH_ : Even Lestrade.

 _MH_ : Quite so.

 _GL_ : I’ve sent a team to his house

 _GL_ : I hope you’re right about this, Sherlock

 _SH_ : I am.

 _SH_ : Obviously.

**10 September 2017**

_GL_ : He was right, for the record

 _GL_ : She confessed as soon as we brought her in

 _MrsH_ : Well done Sherlock!

 _SH_ : Dull.

 _MrsH_ : John, perhaps for the blog you ought to just copy and paste this entire conversation?

 _JW_ : I don’t think we need to tell the world we’ve got a grouptext we send crime scene photos around, Mrs. H

 _JW_ : Not a terrible idea, though

 _JW_ : Perhaps with a bit of editing

 _GL_   _has changed_ **Mycroft Holmes Nappy Delivery Service** _to_ **The Adventure of the Solitary Obelisk**

****

_GL:_  I figure if it’s going to make the blog it ought to have a title

 _MH_ : No offense intended, Detective Inspector, but why don’t we let John handle the titles, hm?

 _GL:_  Ouch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am extremely fortunate to to be friends with the incredible Snapjack, who is, on top of being generous, loving, and hilarious, is also an insanely talented writer. She has dipped a toe into the Sherlock fandom and the resulting story is stunning. I strongly recommend you check it out here:[ Spring Cleaning](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10801023).


	10. Chapter 10

**22 September 2017**

****

_JW_ : [Photo - Sherlock Tricycle.jpg -  22.9.2017 11:51]

_JW_ : Guess who’s finally got around to putting together one of Rosie’s birthday gifts

_JW:_ For a genius he’s quite bad at assembling children’s toys

_SH_ : That’s because the instructions don’t make any sense.

_SH_ : They’re written for morons. 

_SH_ : Is this the level at which your simple little minds work?  Do you really need to be told to turn a screw to the right?  It’s intolerable.

_GL_ : You’re the one who can’t figure it out mate

_GL_   _changed_   **The Adventure of the Solitary Obelisk**   _to_   **Children’s Toy Assembly Help Forum**

_MrsH_ : So that’s where my tool kit ran off to!

_MrsH_ : I was wondering why you’d stolen it

_SH_ : Not stolen.

_SH_ : Borrowed.

_MoH_ : Borrowed like my centrifuge?

_MoH_ : Which disappeared while I was fetching you that dreadful liver

_MoH_ : And which you’ve still not returned, just as a reminder!

_MrsH_ : You want him to return the liver?

_MoH_ : Oh, no

_MoH_ : The centrifuge

_MoH_ : The liver’s rather past its sell by date at this point I think, haha!

_SH_ : This instruction booklet is 1 of 2!  How could any children’s product possibly require two booklets worth of assembly?

_GL_ : The great Sherlock Holmes, finally defeated by a toddler’s toy

_SH_ : Shut up Lestrade.

**26 September 2017**

****

_SH_ : [Photo - Princess John.jpg -  26.9.2017 20:07]

_MrsH_ : Looking very beautiful, John!

_MrsH_ : The crown is a bit small for you, though

_JW_ : Oh very funny Sherlock

_JW_ : Is this revenge for the trike photo

_GL_ : No shame playing dress up with your kid

_GL_ : Donovan agrees

_GL_ : At least I’m assuming she does, she’s laughing too hard at the moment to speak

_JW_ : He’s happy to send the photo, but completely fails to mention that he DEMANDED that he be a pirate

_JW_ : Which is why I ended up with the crown and the wand and the tutu and all of it

_GL_ : A likely story

1 **October 2017**

_JW_ : [Photo - Sherlock and Rosie.jpg - 1.10.2017 11:51]

_MrsH_ : Oh how sweet!  

_MoH_ : I didn’t know you had a little backpack to put her in!  Is that thing comfortable, Sherlock?

_GL_ : Wait, is he doing an EXPERIMENT wearing her on his back?

_JW:_  No hazardous materials, I checked

_JW_ : She’s fallen asleep to the sound of the centrifuge I think

_GL_ : She’s going to grow up to be a really weird kid, John

_JW_ : I’m afraid that was a given

_GL has changed_ **Children’s Toy Assembly Help Forum** _to_   **Holmes-Watson Photo Album**

_SH_ : She’s drooling on my suit jacket.

_SH_ : Not ideal.

_SH_ : But better than crying which was what happened when I tried to put her to bed.

_MH_ : Thank you for sharing, John.  I’ve forwarded this to Mummy.

_SH_ : Oh god.

**3 October 2017**

_SH_ : [Photo - Twins.jpg -  3.10.2017 09:33]

_MoH_ : Oh my goodness, did they dress alike on purpose?

_SH_ : No.

_SH_ : Rosie selected her own outfit when she woke up this morning.

_SH_ : John just happened to pick the same one when he awoke several hours later.

_SH_ : Improbable, but clearly not impossible.

_MrsH_ : I’ve always liked you in purple, John

_SH_ : I had truly hoped she had not inherited his fashion sense.  Disappointing.  I suppose it may be trained out of her.

_JW_ : Oi what’s wrong with my fashion sense?

_GL_ : Don’t listen to what the posh boy says 

_GL_ : I think the fact that you and your 2 year old are wearing the same outfit is brilliant

_JW_ : Thanks Greg

_MH_ : Mummy quite likes this one too.

**6 October 2017**

_JW_ : [Photo - Sherlock and Rosie Sleeping.jpg -  6.10.2017 15:19]

_MoH_ : Oh now that is too much!!!!

_MoH_ : I’m saving that one

_MrsH_ : John, you’ve let them fall asleep on the floor!

_JW_ : I couldn’t stop them if I tried  

_JW_ : They were having some kind of argument about building the perfect blanket fort, it tired them out I suppose

_JW:_  Anyway they’ll survive a kip on the carpet 

_MrsH_ : Well you’re the doctor!

_MrsH_ : Though when the last time either of you hoovered is beyond me

_GL_ : He sleeps lying down?

_GL_ : I thought he did it hanging from the ceiling like a bat

_MoH_ : LOL

_MH_ : Mummy says, “Precious.”

_MH_ : I don’t have an opinion either way but thought you might like to know.

_JW:_  Oh he’s woken up

_JW_ : He’s checking his messages

_JW:_  Scowling a bit now

_JW_ : Oh dear

_JW_ : I think he’s a bit embarrassed actually

_JW_ : Right, let’s not send this one any further than the group, yeah?

_JW_ : And your mum I suppose Mycroft

_GL_ : Er 

_GL_ : Too late

_JW_ : Ah well, serves him right for the one with the crown


	11. Chapter 11

**14 October 2017**

_GL_ : Anyone free for a pint?  We’ve just wrapped up a double homicide so John and I were thinking about The Albert

 _JW_ : Even Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective is coming if you can believe it

 _JW_ : What the hell

 _SH_ : Thank you, John.  That’s very kind of you to say.

 _JW_ : Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective

 _MrsH_ : We all know you feel that way dear but do you really think you need to keep saying it?  Think of his ego

 _JW_ : I’m not typing that

 _JW_ : It’s happening whenever I type Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective

 _MoH_ : Maybe you ought to stop typing that then?

 _JW_ : It’s changing itself!!!

 _JW_ : This is your fault isn’t it Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective

 _GL_ : hahahahaha

 _GL_ : Nice one Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective

 _GL_ : HANG ON

 _MoH_ : Wait, did Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective change your autocorrect???

 _MoH_ : Oh dear, mine too

 _MrsH_ : Oh Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective

 _GL_ : How do we change it back

 _GL_ : This isn’t funny Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective

 _SH_ : I disagree.

 _JW_ : Okay first of all, stop typing his name

 _JW_ : It’s not helping

 _MoH_ : I’ve not even seen you in a week, did you do it remotely?

 _MoH_ : I’d love to come to drinks by the way, I’ll head that way now, and maybe someone can help me change it back?

 _JW_ : Yeah I think I’ve got it

 _JW_ : Let’s see

 _JW_ : Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective is a huge prick

 _JW_ : Damn

 _MH_ : I’m so glad to have my mobile buzzing with all of this nonsense.

 _MH_ : It’s not like I’m in the middle of an important meeting with any heads of state.

 _SH_ : Go complain to someone who cares, Mycroft.

 _MH_ : If you care so little, why don’t you remove me from this thread, Sherlock is the world’s greatest detective?

 _GL_ : oh my god

 _GL_ : you as well?

 _GL has changed_ **Holmes-Watson Photo Album** _to_   **Sherlock Is the world’s greatest detective and also a complete tosser HA!**

 _MH_ : This is unacceptable.

 _GL_ : I’m not angry anymore

 _GL_ : Totally worth it


	12. Chapter 12

**27 October 2017**

_MrsH_ : [Photo - Puzzle.jpg -  27.10.2017 21:01]

 _MrsH_ : I know it’s past her bedtime but she just finished her puzzle and she’s so proud!  


 _MrsH_ : I asked her if she wanted to try out the one with the lovely animals on it but she preferred the skeleton

 _MrsH_ : Anyway I just thought you’d like to see, how’s the case going boys?

 _JW_ : We’re a bit busy staking out a couple of locations at the moment 

_JW_ : But thank you for the photo, well done Rosie

 _SH_ : Of course she prefers the skeleton.

 _SH_ : The other one is highly unrealistic.

 _SH_ : The forest animals are SMILING.

 _GL_ : What’s wrong with smiling forest animals?

 _GL_ : I think I got her that one actually

 _SH_ : Figures.

 _SH_ : Are you both still in place?

 _JW_ : Yes, of course, though I don’t know why

 _JW_ : Since you’re convinced it’s the brother

 _SH_ : Nearly convinced.  The evidence was inconclusive, there’s a .5% chance it’s the cousin.

 _JW_ : Yes, and I’m hidden in a damp maintenance cupboard for a .5% chance

 _JW_ : Lovely

 _SH_ : Improbable does not mean impossible.

 _GL_ : Well my team is in place

 _GL_ : I hope you’re right about this, Sherlock

 _SH_ : I always am.

 _JW_ : And so modest, too

 _MrsH_ : Should you three really be texting so much if you’re on a stakeout?

 _MrsH_ : Won’t someone notice?

 _JW_ : I’m in a cupboard waiting for someone who only has a .5% chance of being a murderer

 _JW_ : I’m not too fussed

 _JW_ : Shouldn’t the brother have been there by now Sherlock?

 _SH_ : Possibly.

 _MoH_ : Hello everyone

 _MoH_ : Er, so I’ve got something that might be relevant

 _MoH_ : The brother is here

 _JW_ : What, at Barts? 

_JW_ : Why in the hell would he be at Barts

 _MoH_ : He’s dead 

_SH_ : Oh.

 _SH_ : Interesting.

 _JW_ : shit

 _JW_ : he’s here

 _JW_ : the cousin’s here

 _GL_ : Hang on

 _GL_ : Sherlock, were you WRONG?

 _SH_ : I said it was IMPROBABLE.  How many times must I explain statistics to you?

 _GL_ : John, I’m sending backup your way

 _JW_ : he hasn’t seen me

 _JW_ : yeah he’s definitely armed

 _MoH_ : That would make sense considering the body I’ve got here here was shot several times

 _JW_ : he’s leaving again, I’m going to tail him

 _SH:_ Be careful.  He’s killed three people.  He’s clearly desperate.  

 _JW_ : right, which is why we’ve got to stop him now

 _JW_ : im on him

 _JW_ : Lestrade how far are your men?

 _GL_ : Five minutes

 _JW_ : hes seen me

 _SH_ : John?

 _SH_ : John, reply immediately.

 _MrsH_ : Oh dear

 _SH_ : John.

 _SH_ : JOHN

 _MH_ : Sherlock, answer your phone.

 _MH_ : I’m attempting to locate him.

 _GL_ : Three minutes

 _MoH_ : Oh my goodness

 _MrsH_ : I’m sure he’s just fine, you boys always get yourselves out of these scrapes

 _MrsH_ : Nothing to worry about!

 _MrsH_ : Right boys?

 _MoH_ : Any updates????

 _MrsH_ : Boys, this isn’t funny!

 _JW_ : Hello all, sorry for going dark

 _JW_ : I’ve got him, the police are here, it’s all fine

 _MoH_ : Oh thank god!

 _MoH_ : You had me a bit nervous there haha

 _MrsH_ : Well done boys, I wasn’t worried for a moment!

 _MH_ : Congratulations, Dr. Watson.

 _MH_ : In the future, might I request that you not drop out of contact for such an extended length of time?

 _MH_ : My brother very nearly started an international incident out of concern for you.

 _SH_ : Shut up Mycroft.


	13. Chapter 13

**7 November 2017**

_MoH_ : So here’s something fun

 _MoH_ : I was on OkCupid last night

 _MoH_ : With some girlfriends, just for a lark

 _MoH_ : Haha

 _SH_ : We all know you use dating applications, Molly.

 _SH_ : No need to pretend otherwise.

 _MoH_ : Oh

 _MoH_ : Well anyway

 _MoH_ : I was on OkCupid, and guess whose profile I ran into!!!

 _MoH_ : [Screenshot 7.11.2017 01:13]

 _GL_ : Oi!!!!!

 _GL_ : Molly that’s not on

 _JW_ : Oh my god, Greg, how old is that photo??

 _JW_ : You’re very, er

 _JW_ : Tan

 _GL_ : It’s from my holiday in Malaga

 _SH_ : That was in 2008.

 _GL_ : It’s still a good photo!

 _SH_ : “Enjoys travel, Italian food, the theatre, and being outdoors.”

 _SH_ : Is this true?

 _SH_ : All I’ve ever known you to enjoy is being a fair to middling detective and watching football at pubs.

 _SH:_  I suppose going on cases occasionally counts as “being outdoors” if the body is found in a park?

 _GL_ : Fuck off Sherlock

 _GL_ : You’ve no idea what I like to do in my free time

 _GL_ : You didn’t even know my given name until recently

 _SH_ : I know everything about you, GREG.

 _SH_ : Including that the last time you traveled was to Brussels for a police conference.

 _SH_ : And you definitely didn’t “enjoy” it because you got pickpocketed.

 _JW_ : I’m not an expert but I think those types of interests are fairly common for profiles like these, right?

 _JW_ : I think we perhaps ought to discuss the photo a bit more 

_MoH_ : I agree, John.  That’s why I sent it.

 _MoH_ : Don’t you think you might want something a bit more, you know, recent?

 _MrsH_ : Well nobody has asked me but I think a very dashing photo Detective Inspector, I’m all for it!

 _GL_ : Thank you Mrs. Hudson

 _GL_ : How about we not discuss any of this at all?

 _GL_ : Thank you again Molly for bringing it up in the first place

 _GL_ : Really lovely of you

 _GL_ : Glad to know I can count you among my friends

_GL has changed_ **Sherlock Is the world’s greatest detective and also a complete tosser HA!** _to_ **Anything But Lestrade’s Love Life Ta Very Much**

_MoH_ : I’m only trying to help!  

 _MoH_ : It really is a nice photo but would be much improved if it had been taken in the past, you know, decade

 _JW_ : She’s not wrong mate

 _JW_ : What about the one from my blog last year?

 _JW_ : I’ll email it to you

 _SH_ : Isn’t the whole point of dating profiles to lie?

 _SH_ : After all, Molly, yours says that you like cats AND dogs, which we all know to be false.

 _MoH_ : What do you mean?

 _SH_ : You prefer cats.

 _MoH_ : That doesn’t make it a lie to say I like dogs!

 _MoH_ : And, no, the whole point is not to lie!  I don’t lie on mine

 _JW_ : Why have you been looking at Molly’s dating profile

 _SH_ : Research.

 _JW_ : Just sent you the photo Greg

 _JW_ : You’ll have to crop Sherlock out of it of course

 _JW_ : Can’t imagine you want him swanning about on your profile 

_GL_ : Dunno, the whole “I know Sherlock Holmes” thing has worked for me in the past

 _SH_ : If you want to attract more matches on OkCupid, Lestrade, you ought to lower your age.

 _SH_ : The number of matches decreases exponentially with each year above 40.

 _GL_ : Hang on, weren’t you just saying we shouldn’t lie??

 _SH_ : Nothing I said implied a moral judgment on the topic of lying.

 _SH_ : Lying is just another form of disguise.

 _GL_ : Hmm

 _GL_ : How low ought I go you think?

 _JW_ : Don’t listen to him Greg

 _JW_ : The right person won’t mind your age

 _JW_ : Or anything else for that matter

 _SH_ : How very romantic of you, John.

 _JW_ : You know Sherlock, when you say “romantic” it sounds like you’re saying “stupid”

 _SH_ : Does it?  

 _SH_ : Imagine that.

 _GL_ : Anyway John, what makes you an expert at dating sites?  

 _GL_ : You’re signed up, are you?

 _JW_ : No, bit busy dealing with two toddlers at home

 _MrsH_ : Two???

 _MrsH_ : Oh you mean Sherlock of course!  Ha ha!

 _SH_ : Hilarious as always, John.

 _GL_ : D’you think I could get away with saying I’m 43?

 _MoH_ : Ummmmm

 _MoH_ : Perhaps?

 _MrsH_ : She means no, dear.

 _MrsH_ : But the silver fox look is very fashionable right now!

 _SH_ : Lestrade, it’s more likely that you’ll struck by lightning in the middle of Trafalgar Square than that anyone will believe you’re 43.

 _GL_ : All right, all right, I get it

 _GL_ : No need to pile on

 _SH_ : You could successfully convince women you’re 55, perhaps.

 _GL_ : I’m only 51 you bastard!


	14. Chapter 14

**13 November 2017**

_MrsH_ : Well Sherlock I have to say I’m a bit disappointed I didn’t hear it from you first

 _MrsH_ : <link>http://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/emma-thompson-sherlock-holmes-surprise-romance-10153272</link>

 _MrsH_ : She’s a bit old for you, don’t you think?  

 _MoH_ : LOL!!!

 _GL_ : Oh that’s brilliant

 _JW_ : Hahaha 

_JW_ : Best one in a while

 _JW_ : Good find Mrs. Hudson

 _MrsH_ : I’ve got a google alert for him!  It’s such fun!

 _SH_ : I regret showing you how to set that up.

 _GL_ : “Though Holmes and Thompson have kept coy about their relationship, a close associate of Holmes says he is ‘smitten’ with her.  ‘He can’t stop talking about her,’ the associate reports.  ‘Anytime he’s not on a case, it’s all Emma this and Emma that.’”

 _GL_ : SMITTEN

 _GL_ : Can you even imagine Sherlock smitten with anything other than a locked room with a corpse in it?

 _GL has changed_ **Anything But Lestrade’s Love Life Ta Very Much** _to_   **Holmes-Thompson Wedding Planning Committee**

 _SH_ : Drivel.

 _GL:_  Yeah, but HILARIOUS drivel

 _MrsH_ : Honestly I wish it were true, she seems like such a dear!

 _MrsH_ : Perhaps you could at least give it one date, Sherlock?

 _MoH_ : I thought you were still hung up on Princess Beatrice??

 _JW_ : No, that was ages ago

 _JW_ : It was Khloe Kardashian last month I thought

 _MoH_ : Oh, right!

 _SH_ : Glad you’re all enjoying yourselves.

 _SH_ : Haven’t any of you got anything better to do than read the Mirror?  

 _SH_ : Don’t most of you have jobs?

 _GL_ : Oh my god and the photos!

 _GL_ : Where’d they even find a photo of you smiling?!

 _GL_ : “Meanwhile, Holmes’ associate noted that the man’s longtime companion, John Watson, is preparing to move out of the home they share in Baker Street. Despite longstanding rumors that Watson and Holmes share more than just a flat, ‘John’s very happy for them,’ says the associate, who asked to remain anonymous to preserve their friendship with Holmes.”

 _MoH_ : Oh my goodness! Tossing John and Rosie out for Emma Thompson after just three weeks!

 _MoH_ : Must be serious

 _SH_ : Absurd.

 _SH_ : John is much more likely to request that I vacate 221B than the other way round.

 _JW_ : Hang on, what?

 _JW_ : Why would I kick you out?

 _SH_ : There are several possible reasons.

 _SH_ : Would you like a list in order of likelihood?

 _JW_ : No, I wouldn’t

 _JW_ : That’s ridiculous

 _JW_ : You’re ridiculous

 _JW_ : Don’t say things like that, I’m not going anywhere and neither are you

 _JW_ : Unless you really WOULD like Emma Thompson to move in

 _JW_ : In which case I’m sure we can work something out

 _SH_ : I don’t even know who Emma Thompson IS.

 _SH_ : Is she a politician?

 _MoH_ : Oh, Sherlock

 _GL:_  And also, who are these anonymous associates of yours?

 _GL_ : Have you got other friends???

 _GL_ : Since presumably no one here is leaking information about your love life…

 _MH_ : I wouldn’t be so sure of that, Detective Inspector.

 _GL:_  ???

 _GL:_ YOU?!?

 _MH_ : The more that is handed to them, ludicrous though it may be, the less they dig.

 _GL_ : Hang on

 _GL_ : Are you saying that you feed the tabloids lies about Sherlock so they don’t bother looking for anything that’s true?

 _MH_ : It does keep things interesting, doesn’t it.

 _MoH_ : Do you make it all up then?  All the stuff about Khloe Kardashian and them getting a dog together and taking it on a Mediterranean cruise and everything?

 _MH_ : I have people who handle the finer details.

 _MH_ : Though the part where he heartbrokenly dove off the ship after she ended things was a personal touch.

 _MrsH_ : Ooh I have some ideas next time you need a good one, if you’re taking submissions!

 _MH_ : I believe we’re not, at the moment.

 _MH:_  But if that changes, Anthea will contact you.


	15. Chapter 15

**2 December 2017**

_JW_ : Well 

_JW_ : I just heard from Rosie’s nursery teacher that she brought in her stuffed turtle to school and then had all the other children running about trying to solve its murder

 _JW:_  So that’s me locking down the “Worst Father in England” award 

_GL_ : lol

 _GL_ : Good work Sherlock

 _GL_ : Most little kids want to be astronauts or firefighters or ballet dancers you know

 _MrsH_ : Oh John that’s adorable!

 _MrsH_ : A bit dreadful too of course

 _SH_ : I don’t see the problem.

 _SH_ : She’s SOLVING a murder, not committing one.

 _MoH_ : Well you would say that!

 _MoH_ : Considering she’s following in your footsteps!  

 _MoH_ : Haha

 _GL_ : She’s too young to consult for us though

 _GL_ : Check back in 25 years

 _MH_ : Try not to worry too much, John.

 _MH_ : I have already set aside funds for the therapy Rosamund will inevitably require as a result of growing up with my brother for a godfather.

 _JW_ : Hang on a mo

 _JW_ : Before we all lay this at Sherlock’s feet

 _JW_ : Remind me which of us HASN’T made a living off murder??

 _JW_ : Molly and Greg, you’re in his same line of work, as it were

 _JW_ : I was a soldier 

_JW_ : Mrs. Hudson, no offense, but we all know how you paid for 221

 _JW_ : And Mycroft, let’s not even go there, hmm? 

_JW_ : So 

_JW_ : I think we’re all of us to blame for this

 _GL_ : Honestly he makes a fair point

 _GL_ : We’re probably the absolute worst group of people to influence a baby

 _GL_ : It’s actually almost impressive that you managed to cobble together such a group of nutters to help raise your kid

 _GL has changed_ **Holmes-Thompson Wedding Planning Committee** _to_   **Six Psychopaths and a Baby**

 _MoH_ : Should I stop bringing over the Anatomy for Toddlers books??

 _MoH_ : I could find something about princesses or puppies or something????

 _JW_ : No, of course not

 _JW_ : It’s not hurting her

 _JW_ : Even if we do spent quite a lot more time talking about corpses than is probably recommended by the BMA, all of you are a net positive in Rosie’s life

 _SH_ : Except Mycroft.

 _JW_ : No, even Mycroft

 _SH_ : Debatable.


	16. Chapter 16

**14 December 2017**

_SH has removed JW from_ **Six Psychopaths and a Baby**

_SH_ : I’ve got something extremely important to discuss.

 _GL_ : Something that you had to kick John out for?

 _GL_ : That’s not on 

_SH_ : DON’T add him back.

 _SH_ : We’ve probably only a few moments before he notices.

 _MrsH_ : Sherlock, this is very rude of you.

 _MrsH:_  If you have something to say you can say it in front of John.

 _MrsH_ : How do I add him back in?  

 _MrsH_ : Why must Siri shout at me when I ask her for things?

 _SH_ : All of you shut up and listen to me!

 _SH_ : All right.

 _SH_ : Thank you.

 _SH_ : Now then.

 _SH_ : What sort of gifts does John like?

 _GL_ : ...pardon?

 _SH_ : Christmas is coming up and I need ideas.

 _GL_ : Hang on

 _GL_ : You’re getting him a Christmas present?

 _GL_ : This is unprecedented

 _GL_ : Is John BLACKMAILING you?!?

 _SH_ : Oh very funny.

 _SH_ : It’s not UNPRECEDENTED.

 _SH_ : I’ve given him gifts before.

 _GL_ : Name one.

 _SH_ : I came back from being dead.

 _GL_ : Oh you self-absorbed bastard

 _MoH_ : But surely YOU know what John would like for Christmas better than we do???

 _MoH_ : You’re his best friend after all, can’t you just deduce it?

 _MH_ : Sherlock is not exactly experienced in the gift-giving department.

 _SH_ : Mycroft, your input is neither requested nor appreciated.

 _MH_ : If you’d like, I can pass along his internet search history.

 _GL_ : Yeah because that’s not creepy 

_GL_ : Why don’t you get him a bottle of whisky?  Always a safe bet and I don’t know a man in the world who needs a drink more than Sherlock Holmes’ flatmate

 _MrsH_ : How about a nice jumper?

 _MrsH_ : You’re always making fun of his jumpers

 _SH_ : I’m not going to buy him ANOTHER jumper.  

 _SH:_  How is that a solution to his ongoing jumper problem? 

_SH_ : Next idea.

 _SH_ : Molly, go.

 _MoH_ : Oh

 _MoH:_ Honestly I’m pants at gifts for men

 _MoH_ : Never had much success there

 _MoH_ : I quite like to receive books I suppose

 _MoH_ : Not that we’re brainstorming gifts for me!  

 _MoH_ : I meant for John

 _GL_ : I still don’t know why you’re getting him gifts all of a sudden

 _GL_ : Seems out of character and mildly suspicious if you ask me

 _SH_ : John mentioned that he likes the look of gifts under the tree.

 _SH_ : For Rosie’s sake.

 _SH_ : So I’m attempting to contribute.

 _SH_ : You’ve all been enormously unhelpful.

 _GL_ : All I want for Christmas is for you to do all the paperwork you create for me

 _GL_ : If you’re curious

 _SH_ : I wasn’t.

 _GL_ : Heads up, John’s texting me asking what’s happened to the grouptext

 _GL:_  Can I add him back?

 _GL_ : I’ll tell him it must’ve been a glitch

_GL has added JW to_ **Six Psychopaths and a Baby**

_JW:_  What happened there?

 _GL_ : Dunno!  

 _GL_ : Technology, right?

 _MoH_ : I didn’t even notice you were gone, it’s not like we talked about anything!

 _MrsH_ : It was probably my fault, John.  Whoopsies!

 _MrsH_ : You know how bad I am with Siri!  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in this chapter - I was busy editing and posting another story. We will now resume our regularly scheduled twice-weekly updates :)


	17. Chapter 17

**20 December 2017**

_JW_ : All right everyone

 _JW_ : Christmas

 _JW_ : What are schedules looking like

 _JW:_ Who’s free for Christmas Eve at Baker Street?

 _MrsH_ : You know I’ll be there boys!

 _GL_ : Works for me 

_MoH_ : I’d love to drop by! 

_MoH_ : I think I’ll be baking biscuits that morning, so I’ll bring some over!

 _JW:_  Mycroft what about you?

 _JW_ : Your mum is asking too by the way

 _JW_ : Why I have to be the one to coordinate Christmas for the Holmeses is beyond me

 _MH_ : I will have Anthea contact you with my schedule.

 _SH_ : Don’t pretend you have other invitations Mycroft.

 _MH_ : Brother dear, if only you knew.

 _MH_ : Tell Mummy I can make Christmas dinner at 2.

 _JW_ : Tell her yourself, she’s your mum

 _JW:_  Nevermind, she’s just rung me back anyway

 _SH_ : I can only make Christmas dinner if it starts at 3 and not a moment earlier.

 _SH_ : Looks like our schedules are incompatible.

 _SH_ : Pity.

 _JW_ : One of these days I’m going to kill both of you, you realize

 _GL_ : Glad to see you’re all getting into the Christmas spirit!!

 _GL_ : Fa la la and all

 _SH_ : Christmas is a manufactured holiday meant to sell children’s toys and ugly jumpers.

 _GL has changed_ **Six Psychopaths and a Baby** _to_   **A Christmas Carol Starring Ebenezer Holmes**

****

_SH:_  I expect there’s some reference I’m meant to understand and be offended by?

 _GL_ : Got it in one

 _GL_ : Anyway I thought you were going to not be a prat about Christmas this year

 _GL_ : You’ve even bought John a present!

 _JW_ : No he hasn’t

 _JW_ : He doesn’t do presents

 _GL_ : Oh, right

 _GL_ : I got him confused with someone else

 _JW_ : You got Sherlock Holmes confused with someone else?

 _JW_ : All right then

 _GL_ : haha


	18. Chapter 18

**31 December 2017**

****

_JW_ : If anyone’s free tonight, feel free to swing by our place

 _JW_ : I’ve made too much punch 

_JW_ : We might make it to midnight but no promises what with the baby and all

 _SH_ : And the fact that John is essentially elderly.

 _JW_ : Yes, and that

 _MoH_ : Actually I’d love to pop by, my friends are doing a party across town but I need to be fashionably late!

 _MoH_ : Be over soon!

 _GL_ : I’m sending the squad home at 9

 _GL_ : Save me some punch yeah?

 _GL_ : Probably just one, I’m back to work in the morning

**1 January 2018**

_GL:_ John buggering fuck Watson

 _GL_ : What did you put in that punch

 _JW_ : Rum

 _JW_ : Too much rum

 _JW_ : All the rum in the whole world, possibly

 _GL_ : Yeah that part I can tell

 _GL_ : Jesus

 _GL_ : If I die tell them at least I beat Sherlock Holmes at charades on the last night of my life

 _SH_ : You did not beat me.

 _SH_ : You cheated.

 _SH_ : Stop texting me, the texting noise is hurting my entire brain.

 _MoH_ : It’s not cheating just because you’ve never heard of Ghostbusters!

_GL has changed_ __ **A Christmas Carol Starring Ebenezer Holmes** _to_ __ **Sherlock Holmes Is Pants At Charades**

_MoH_ : And I told you all to drink more water before you went to bed!

 _MoH_ : I feel fine this morning!

 _MoH_ : Anybody want to get brunch?

 _GL_ : I was nearly sick just reading the word brunch

 _GL_ : Please don’t talk about brunch again

 _SH_ : I need tea.

 _SH_ : Mrs. Hudson, bring tea.

 _JW_ : She’s still asleep on our sofa

 _JW_ : The kettle’s on

 _JW_ : I’m attempting to teach Rosie the quiet game

 _MoH_ : Oh, the one where the first person to make a noise loses?

 _JW_ : Yes

 _JW_ : She’s terrible at it

 _MH_ : Up late celebrating, were we?

 _SH_ : Very astute Mycroft.

 _SH_ : How could you possibly have deduced?

 _SH_ : Now either bring me some chips or be silent.

_-_

__

_JW_ : [Photo - MycroftDelivery.jpg - 1.1.2018 13:19]

 _JW_ : You sent too much, Mycroft

 _JW_ : How many people do you think live here?

 _JW_ : If anybody would like some fish and chips we’re basically drowning in it

 _JW_ : It’s definitely helping the hangover though

 _MH_ : Happy New Year to all.

 _SH_ : Yes, you too brother.

 _SH_ : Now piss off.


	19. Chapter 19

**13 January 2018**

****

_JW_ : All right

 _JW_ : Which of you gave my daughter the toy that plays the song from that movie

 _JW_ : I know it was one of you and I intend to find out who it was and then kill them

 _GL_ : Wasn’t me

 _GL_ : And by the way

 _GL_ : This text would count as premeditation if you ever happened to kill one of us

 _GL_ : I’d generally advise that you not send texts about crimes you’re planning

 _GL_ : Especially to an officer of the law

 _GL_ : Also don’t kill anyone I suppose

 _GL has changed_ **Sherlock Holmes Is Pants At Charades** _to_   **Just A Normal Grouptext and Not A Place Where People Talk About Murdering Other People At All, Ever**

 _MrsH_ : You know I never get her any of those electric ones

 _MrsH_ : The best toys are the simplest!  

 _MrsH_ : Also I’m terrible at keeping batteries around for those things 

_MoH_ : Which one?

 _MoH_ : That cute little bear that sings??

 _MoH_ : I didn’t buy it but it’s adorable!

 _JW_ : It’s not adorable

 _JW_ : It’s out to get me

 _JW_ : I tried to take it away and she cried for an hour

 _JW_ : I’ve been hearing it in my DREAMS

 _SH_ : John’s gone a bit mad if you haven’t noticed.

 _JW_ : Yes well not all of us can retreat to our mind palaces when the little demon starts its song for the tenth bloody time in an hour

 _SH_ : I didn’t buy it, as you know, but I wish I had.

 _SH_ : It would have made a fascinating experiment.

 _SH_ : How long until the average father of a toddler cracks following receipt of an obnoxious and loud Christmas present?

 _GL_ : You’re sure it was one of us?

 _JW_ : Yup

 _JW_ : You’re the only ones who brought her presents

 _JW_ : Besides Harry, who gave her clothes that are about four sizes too large, and Mike Stamford, who sent a book about bees that has found its way into Sherlock’s room

 _SH_ : It’s a very educational book.

 _SH_ : And written at a very high level despite being for children.

 _JW_ : Anyway I know it was one of you that brought this thing into my home

 _JW_ : Confess and perhaps we can still be friends 

_JW_ : After a period of groveling

 _JW_ : It’s playing again right now

 _JW_ : You’re better off coming clean, whoever you are

 _JW_ : I’ve spent a lot of time around crime scenes 

_JW_ : I’d be good at hiding your body and the Met’s star consulting detective would never turn me in because without me he’d have to start making his own tea

 _SH_ : He has a point.

 _GL_ : Yeah, again, threats aren’t something we want to get in writing

 _GL_ : No need to remind all the government agencies listening in how easy it would be for Sherlock to cover up a crime if he were ever so inclined

 _GL_ : Speaking of government agencies listening in… 

_GL_ : You know who’s been pretty quiet today?

 _GL_ : No denials at all?

 _GL_ : Mycroft

 _JW_ : MYCROFT

 _JW:_ Did you give Rosie the abomination

 _JW_ : Answer me Mycroft

 _JW_ : Answer me or I’ll tell your mum that Wicked wasn’t actually sold out through the summer

 _MH_ : No need to resort to childish threats, John.

 _MH_ : The bear may have been included amongst the presents sent to Rosamund from my office.

 _MH_ : I can’t be certain.

 _MH_ : It was very expensive, you realize.

 _JW_ : You know what else would be expensive

 _JW_ : Having to remove its head from your rectum

 _MH_ : Forgive me my generosity.

 _MH_ : If you’d like, I can arrange to have it destroyed.

 _MH_ : Unless that will upset Rosamund.

 _JW_ : Of course it will bloody upset Rosamund!  She’s obsessed with it!  You’ve ruined my life, Mycroft Holmes, and you WILL pay for it!!!

 _MH_ : Such dramatics.

 _MH_ : You’ve been spending too much time with my brother.

 _SH_ : I’ve got an idea.

 _SH_ : I’ll run it through the wash.

 _SH_ : I can claim it’s an accident, which will be believable since I don’t know how to use the washing machine.

 _GL_ : You don’t know how to use the washing machine?!

 _GL_ : Honestly

 _GL_ : You toff

 _JW_ : Oh god please do it

 _JW_ : Do it now

 _JW_ : I can’t take another moment of it

 _MH_ : I’m glad you two have found a way to solve this insuperable dilemma.

 _MH_ : Congratulations on your victory over a child of two and a half.

 _MH_ : You’ve truly earned your international reputation.


	20. Chapter 20

**3 February 2018**

****

_GL_ : So my new flat is definitely in need of some warming

 _GL_ : Next Saturday, my place, let’s say 5? 

_GL_ : Would love to see you all there

 _GL_ : There will be food of some sort

 _JW_ : Yeah sounds good Greg, what can we bring?

 _JW_ : And by we, I mean, what can I bring and kindly allow Sherlock to take half the credit for?

 _GL_ : Lol

 _GL_ : Beer?

 _SH_ : I’m sure John can manage that.

 _MoH_ : I’ll bring dessert!  I’ve got a new lemon bar recipe

 _GL_ : That’d be great Molly, don’t forget the sugar this time though yeah?

 _MoH_ : :(

 _MoH_ : I thought we weren’t going to talk about those biscuits again 

_GL_ : Sorry

 _MrsH_ : I’ll be there Detective Inspector!  

 _GL_ : Great!

 _GL_ : What about you, Mycroft?

 _MH_ : Thank you for extending an invitation, Gregory.

 _MH_ : I’ll have Anthea get back to you with my schedule.

 _GL_ : Oh all right

 _GL_ : Just have her text me I suppose

 _GL_ : Anyway I was thinking maybe I’d do a roast chicken or something?

 _GL_ : Any thoughts on that?

 _MrsH_ : I’ve got a nice recipe I can send over!

 _MrsH_ : I’ll email it to you later when John gets home so he can do up the attachment

_Anthea has joined_ **Just A Normal Grouptext and Not A Place Where People Talk About Murdering Other People At All, Ever**

****

_A_ : Mr. Holmes will be attending and will provide catering from Balthazar.

 _A_ : Please contact me directly with any questions or dietary restrictions.

 _A_ : Have a lovely day.

_A has left_ **Just A Normal Grouptext and Not A Place Where People Talk About Murdering Other People At All, Ever**

****

_GL_ : Ummmmm

 _GL_ : Did anyone know that other people could just join this at any time

 _JW_ : Yeah no they definitely can’t

 _SH_ : It’s probably best for everyone if we all forget it ever happened.

 _GL_ : Glad she got to see the title

 _GL_ : Definitely not at all suspicious


	21. Chapter 21

**6 February 2018**

_SH_ : Molly has a date tonight

 _MoH_ : What???

 _MoH_ : What are you talking about!  


_MoH_ : Why would you say that

 _SH_ : You kicked me out of the morgue.

 _MoH_ : My shift was over!  It was time to go!

 _SH_ : You never kick me out.

 _SH_ : Also you’re wearing mascara.

 _SH_ : It was obvious.

 _JW_ : That’s great Molly, who’s the lucky bloke?

 _GL_ : Did you meet him on OkCupid?

 _GL_ : I’d love to hear a success story out of there

 _GL_ : Ever since I added that photo of me and Sherlock I mostly just get questions about whether HE’S available

 _GL_ : I usually just refer those birds to the Emma Thompson article

 _MoH_ : Oh my gosh

 _MoH_ : Can’t a girl have personal business anymore these days?

 _MrsH_ : Molly dear you should know better than to try to hide things from Sherlock!

 _SH_ : If you’d wanted to keep it a secret you shouldn’t have worn a push-up bra.

 _MoH_ : SHERLOCK!

 _MoH_ : Honestly

 _MoH_ : All right, yes

 _MoH_ : I have a date

 _MoH_ : It’s a third date actually

 _MoH_ : He’s an accountant and he’s very nice

 _JW_ : Third date! 

_JW_ : You should bring him to Greg’s housewarming

 _MoH_ : NO!

 _MoH_ : I mean

 _MoH_ : The thing is

 _MoH_ : I think I’ll wait to bring him round actually

 _MoH_ : You know?

 _MoH_ : Bit intimidating to meet, you know, you lot

 _GL_ : And by “you lot” you mean “Sherlock”

 _MoH_ : A bit, yes

 _SH_ : You mean because I’m extremely famous?

 _JW_ : I think more because you’re a prat

 _MoH_ : No, no, not at all!  


_MoH_ : It’s just

 _MoH_ : Well, yes, it’s that, actually

 _MoH_ : Sorry

 _SH_ : No need to apologize.

 _SH_ : Prat is among the kinder epithets that have been applied to me.

 _GL_ : Yeah, don’t apologize to him, Molly

 _GL_ : You’re doing the right thing

 _GL_ : No need to scare this bloke off straight away

 _JW_ : Agreed

 _JW_ : We’re a bit of an odd bunch 

_JW_ : We all remember how good Sherlock was at driving off my girlfriends 

_GL_ : Well, that was different

 _JW_ : What do you mean?

 _GL_ : Nothing

 _JW_ : Uhh okay

 _MoH_ : Maybe I’ll bring him round to the next get together, yeah?

 _MoH_ : After, you know

 _MoH_ : Things are a bit more, you know, settled

 _GL_ : Like once you’ve married him


	22. Chapter 22

**10 February 2018**

****

_GL_ : All right, the food is here but none of you are

_GL_ : Am I going to be eating approximately a small village’s worth Balthazar by myself?

_MoH_ : I’ll be there soon!

_MoH_ : Just need to gather up all the pieces of this woman and get them back in cold storage

_MoH_ : Sorry, that was probably too much information

_GL_ : It’s fine, we’ve all been there

_GL_ : More or less

_MH_ : I am also delayed.

_MH_ : There’s been a minor uprising in Cambodia.

_MH_ : I should be arriving within the hour.

_GL_ : Sounds about right

_MrsH_ : I’ll be there whenever the boys are ready but there seems to be a hold up in B!

_JW_ : Sorry mate, we’re running a bit late 

_GL_ : No worries, you’ve got Sherlock and a toddler to deal with

_SH_ : You may be interested to know that it’s actually John’s fault.

_JW_ : They’re not interested

_SH_ : He and Rosie were at the park.

_SH_ : There was a woman.

_MrsH_ : !!!!

_MoH_ : Ooh tell us more!

_SH_ : Single mum, late thirties.

_SH_ : He lost track of time.

_JW_ : Don’t listen to him

_JW_ : He wasn’t there

_GL_ : Did you get her number?

_SH_ : He did.

_JW_ : How on earth do you know that

_JW_ : I made sure to put my phone back in my jeans EXACTLY as it was before

_SH_ : It’s embarrassing for you that you even have to ask.

_JW_ : Well anyway we’ll be there soon

-

_GL_ : Thanks again for coming last night everyone!

_GL_ : I had a great time

_SH_ : I thought we agreed not to discuss it anymore.

_GL_ : What do you mean?

_GL_ : I said thanks for coming!  How is that discussing it???

_SH_ : You only said thank you as a lead in to bringing it up.

_SH_ : Transparent as always.

_JW_ : It pains me to agree with him on anything but you know he’s right

_GL_ : I’m hurt John

_GL_ : Hurt and insulted

_GL_ : We distinctly agreed that we would not, under any circumstances, talk about Pictionary, and here you are accusing me of talking about Pictionary when all I’m doing is thanking my best friends for coming to my housewarming party

_MoH_ : You’re talking about Pictionary right now Greg

_GL_ : But only to defend myself from accusations of talking about Pictionary!

_MrsH_ : Oh please stop saying Pictionary, you’re going to get Sherlock started again

_SH_ : Get me started?

_SH_ : I’m not the one who threw a pencil at someone else’s head just because they didn’t know who the clue was 

_GL_ : The category was CELEBRITIES

_GL_ : How am I supposed to know who Giacomo Puccini is????

_SH_ : How could you NOT know who he is?

_JW:_  Can we not do this again

_GL_ : Composers from the 1800s are not celebrities Sherlock

_SH_ : Shall I recite the definition of celebrity?

_MoH_ : You already did that shortly before you dropped the cup of tea on Greg’s head

_MH_ : This is why I suggested we get the peace accord in writing.

_MrsH_ : What I don’t understand is why we even tried to play

_MrsH_ : We all know what a terrible sore loser Sherlock is, it's not like we've forgotten the charades incident

_JW_ : Yeah, that’s not helping

_GL has changed_ **Just A Normal Grouptext and Not A Place Where People Talk About Murdering Other People At All, Ever** _to_   **Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0**

_SH has removed GL from_ **Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0**

****

_JW has added GL to_ **Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0**

****

_GL_ : Thank you John

_JW_ : You’re welcome

_JW_ : Now can you both please grow up and stop talking about it???

_SH_ : I can if Greg can.

_GL_ : Of course I can

_JW_ : Thank you

_GL_ : ...as long as Sherlock will admit that I won

_JW_   _has removed GL from_ **Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0**

_MoH_ : He deserved that


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which I am extremely self-indulgent with one of my favorite videos of all time. The embedded link will take you to YouTube; I highly recommend clicking it :)

**21 February 2018**

_JW_ : I have great news for everyone who isn’t Sherlock

 _JW_ : Caught him reading a book about the South Pacific to Rosie

 _JW_ : [Video - [SherlockPenguins.mov](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GnLDJAgrws) \-  21.2.2018 11:31]

 _JW_ : You’re welcome

 _GL_ : Oh my god

 _GL_ : What in the hell is wrong with him???

 _GL_ : PENGWINGS?

 _GL_ : Didn’t you go to primary school mate??

 _MoH_ : Maybe they don’t teach them their animals at Eton?

 _MrsH_ : I can’t stop laughing

 _MrsH_ : I’ve watched it six times and it just keeps getting better every time!

 _MrsH_ : Hang on I’ve got to plug in my mobile so I can watch it again

 _SH_ : I don’t see how this is interesting.

 _GL_ : I think my favorite part is at the end where Rosie laughs at him

 _MH_ : Ah.

 _MH_ : I may have to take some responsibility.

 _MH_ : The year was 1980.

 _MH_ : Sherlock was reading a book about Antarctica.

 _MH_ : I failed to correct his pronunciation.  

 _MH_ : I had nearly forgotten.

 _MH_ : Forgive me, brother mine.

 _JW_ : Yeah the fact that you didn’t correct him when he was three, while hilarious, is not an excuse

 _JW_ : He’s had several decades since then

 _SH_ : How does the proper pronunciation of the word “penguins” help me solve cases?

 _SH_ : It doesn’t.

 _SH_ : I probably deleted it.

 _SH_ : Just like I’m deleting this whole conversation.

 _SH_ : DELETE.


	24. Chapter 24

**4 March 2018**

_JW_ : you awake?

_SH_ : Obviously.

_SH_ : I can’t speak for anyone else but considering it’s two in the morning I would assume no.

_JW_ : Rosie go to bed ok?

_SH_ : Of course.

_SH_ : You aren’t enjoying Jacob’s party.

_JW_ : i didn tsay that

_SH_ : I told you you wouldn’t.

_SH_ : You don’t like loud clubs or exotic dancers. Or Jacob, particularly.

_JW_ : well you goto stag parties when you get invited to them, dont you?

_SH_ : I wouldn’t know.

_SH_ : I’ve only ever been invited to the one.

_JW_ : it was a good one though

_SH_ : I don’t have a basis for comparison but I found it to be acceptable. 

_JW:_  untl the part where we got arrsted 

_SH_ : Perhaps Lestrade has an opinion on stag parties, he seems the sort of man who would receive plenty of invitations.

_SH_ : Any thoughts Greg?

_JW_ : i didnt really mind getting arrested though

_JW_ : you were there after all

_SH_ : Yes, I recall.

_SH_ : Part of it, at least.

_JW_ : dyou ever think about if that client hadnt shown up

_SH_ : What do you mean?

_JW_ : dunno

_JW_ : its just

_JW_ : well

_JW_ : you, i suppose

_SH_ : You’re drunk.

_JW_ : deduced it have you

_JW_ : brilliant as always hahaha

_JW_ : i do hate this party 

_JW_ : im much too old for this

_SH:_  Come home then.

_SH_ : If you’d like.

_JW_ : i would like

_JW_ : quite  abit

_JW_ : probably more than that

_JW_ : youre ringing me

_JW_ : what are you ringing me for

_JW_ : i cant pick up in this club you berk

_JW_ : and anyway you prefer texting

_JW_ : you said that years ago you know

_JW_ : i remember it

_JW_ : i remember everything youve ever told me i think

_JW_ : whered you go

_JW_ : sherlock?

_SH_ : Yes?

_JW_ : oh hello

_JW_ : ill come home no wi think

_JW_ : youll be up?

_SH_ : Obviously.

_JW_ : good

_JW_ : see you soon

-

_GL_ : Well, 56 new text messages is certainly one way to wake up.

_GL_ : Did you two have a good night then?  

_GL_ : ;)

_GL_   _has changed_ **Pictionary: 1, Sherlock Holmes: 0** _to_ **Texts From Last Night**

_SH_ : John vomited twice and then fell asleep on the sofa.

_MoH_ : LOL 

_MoH_ : Good morning Mr. Drunk Texter!

_MoH_ : How are you feeling today?

_JW_ : Oh Jesus Christ

_JW_ : Was I texting all of you?

_MH_ : Indeed.

_JW_ : Why didn’t anyone TELL me?!

_MrsH_ : Some of us were asleep!

_JW_ : Hope I wasn’t keeping anyone awake.

_GL_ : Only Sherlock

_GL_ : Pretty sure he didn’t mind though

_JW_ : What’s that supposed to mean?

_GL_ : Nothing!

_GL_ : You’re tetchy when you’re hungover aren’t you??


	25. Chapter 25

**11 March 2018**

****

_MrsH_ : Yoohoo, anyone home?

 _MrsH_ : Only I’m having a spot of trouble with my laptop

 _JW_ : We’re on a case, sorry

 _MrsH_ : No problem dear

 _JW:_  I’d much prefer to be home, if it helps

 _JW_ : It’s pouring and Sherlock’s being a prat

 _SH_ : How is it being a prat to question a witness until she provides actually useful information?

 _JW_ : I never said you were being a prat to the witness

 _JW_ : You’re being a prat to ME

 _SH_ : I merely asked if you had any interest in actually helping with the investigation, or if your contributions would be limited to inane comments about the weather. 

_JW_ : Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m talking about

 _GL:_  Why are you two texting when you’re standing literally right next to each other?!

 _GL_ : Honestly

 _GL_ : Mrs. H, did you try turning your laptop on and off again?

_GL has changed_ __ **Texts From Last Night** _to_ **Baker Street Tech Help Line**

_MrsH_ : I did thank you Detective Inspector

 _MrsH_ : That’s what John usually does but it doesn’t seem to be having any effect this time

 _GL_ : That’s me out of ideas then

 _SH_ : Yes, John is simply irreplaceable as a computer expert.

 _SH_ : You must really be struggling without his incomparable button-pressing skills.  

 _SH_ : Perhaps I could send you a minimally trained primate to replace him?

 _JW_ : Right

 _JW_ : Mrs. Hudson, I’m on my way home

 _JW_ : See you soon

 _SH_ : What do you mean you’re on your way home?

 _SH_ : The case isn’t finished.

 _GL_ : Yeah he left like fifteen minutes ago mate

 _SH_ : He’s coming back, isn’t he?

 _JW_ : First of all, I’m in this chat too, you realize

 _JW_ : Second of all, no, I’m not

 _JW_ : I’m going home to have a cup of tea and help Mrs. H with her laptop

 _SH_ : Why?

 _JW_ : Because you’re being an enormous arsehole!

 _JW_ : Jesus

 _MrsH_ : Oh dear

 _MrsH_ : I hate it when you boys fight

 _JW_ : No one’s fighting, don’t worry about it

 _JW_ : Sherlock’s just being Sherlock and I’ve had rather enough of it for the day

 _MoH_ : Well this was quite an awkward series of chats to come back to!

 _GL_ : Mentioning it isn’t helping, Molls

 _MoH_ : Everything calmed down now?

 _MoH_ : John?

 _MoH_ : Sherlock?

 _GL_ : Sherlock’s in a skip at the moment

 _GL_ : He’s shouting something about packing peanuts and nitroglycerin

 _GL_ : So he’ll have to get back to you later


	26. Chapter 26

**12 March 2018**

__

_MrsH:_  Guess what!

_MrsH_ : Molly’s taught me how to use Bitmoji!

_GL_ : Exciting Sunday afternoon over at Baker Street I see

_MrsH_ : Are you poking fun at me?

_MrsH_ :

_GL_ : Oh my god

_GL_ : Did you make your bitmoji Sherlock???

_MrsH_ :

__

_MoH_ : She thought it would be funny

_GL_ : Hahahahahhha

_GL_ : It is

_GL_ : Not sure how Himself will feel about it

_MrsH_ :

__

_GL_ : Oh this is spectacular

_GL_ : I’m taking screenshots

_GL_ : Really good stuff Mrs. H, keep them coming!

_JW_ : Very funny

__

_JW_ : Has anyone seen Sherlock?

_MrsH_ : 

_JW_ : haha

_JW_ : I meant the real one

_GL_ : Nope, have you asked John?

_GL_ : Wait

_GL_ : You ARE John

_GL_ : You don’t know where he is?!

_MoH_ : Are you two still rowing?

_JW_ : No

_JW_ : Not really

_JW_ : He left in a rush earlier and forgot his mobile

_JW_ : If anyone sees him, can you just tell him

_JW_ : Well 

_JW_ : Anyway just let me know 

_MrsH_ : John, I guess Sherlock has pretty much said

_MrsH_ :

_MoH_ : Oh that’s an especially good one

_MoH_ : Look at his little wings!

_MH_ : It appears that Sherlock is currently at the Cat and Mutton on Broadway Market

_GL_ : The Cat & Mutton??

_GL_ : But that’s near my flat

_MH_ : What an interesting coincidence.

_GL_ : Have you got a tracker on him?

_MH_ : Something like that.

_GL_ : Not like him to sit at a pub, is it?

_MrsH_ :

_MoH_ : Not especially, no

_MoH_ : Maybe for the bitmoji version of him?

_MoH_ :That guy seems like a lot of fun!!

_GL_ : Well, I guess I’ll pop down there and see him then

_GL_ : I’ll let him know you’re trying to get a hold of him, John

_JW_ : Thanks mate

_MrsH_ :

_MoH_ : Oh now that’s VERY accurate

_MoH_ : Think we can convince him to start using these himself?

_GL_ : I’ve just shown him

_GL_ : He said the resemblance is very strong and he approves

_GL_ : I think he’s drunk though

_GL_ : So who knows

_JW_ : He’s been drinking?

_GL_ : That’s what people generally do at pubs, isn’t it? You’re the expert after all John. - SH

_GL_ : That was him stealing my phone

_GL_ : Obviously

_GL_ : He also reset my lock screen image to a photo of him and half my face 

_GL_ : So that’s nice

_MoH_ : You should have a passcode on your mobile, Greg

_GL_ : He does. - SH


	27. Chapter 27

**15 March 2018**

_GL_ : Sherlock, pick up your mobile

 _GL_ : I’ve got a case for you

 _GL_ : It’s a good one

 _GL_ : John, trying you too

 _GL_ : Since His Majesty is ignoring me

 _GL_ : Where are you two???

 _MrsH_ : I’m out shopping haven’t seen them all day xx

 _MoH_ : I picked Rosie up from Baker Street about an hour ago

 _MoH_ : We’re having a girls night in!

 _MoH_ : They didn’t say they were going anywhere

 _MoH_ : Is it really a good case?

 _GL_ : [Photo - CrimeScene1.jpg -  15.3.2018 18:39]

 _MrsH_ : Well that’s certainly something

 _MrsH_ : How do you think he got up there?

 _GL_ : No idea

 _GL_ : That’s why I’m trying to get Sherlock to come take a look

 _GL_ :Take a look at the photo, Sherlock!  It’s a 7 at least!

 _MoH_ : Looks like he bled for quite a while

 _MoH_ : From this angle at least

 _GL_ : Yes I thought so too

 _MoH_ : He must have been up there for some time!  And nobody noticed?

 _GL_ : [Photo - CrimeScene2.jpg -  15.3.2018 18:44]

 _MrsH_ : So you think he came through the window then?

 _GL_ : What?  No, the door

 _GL_ : Seems unlikely that he’d have climbed up the side of the building in that state

 _MoH_ : Is there blood by the door, though?  Looks clean to me

 _MrsH_ : Yes that’s exactly what I thought

 _GL_ : [Photo - CrimeScene3.jpg -  15.3.2018 18:49]

 _GL_ : Nope not that I can see

 _GL_ : All right we’re checking the footage 

_GL_ : And I was wondering how nobody noticed a man bleeding to death wandering around the building

 _GL_ : But the window?  Really?

 _MrsH_ : Well as Sherlock always says 

_MrsH_ : When the impossible has been eliminated and so on

 _MH_ : Might I suggest checking the ground floor on the other side of the building?

 _MH:_  It may provide additional information about the likelihood of his having made the climb before his untimely death.

 _GL_ : [Photo - CrimeScene4.jpg -  15.3.2018 19:02]

 _GL_ : This is the other side of the building - same as the one he’s on

 _MoH_ : Hang on

 _MoH_ : It’s not exactly the same

 _MoH_ : Is that a window washing setup near the roof?

 _MrsH_ : Of course!  He was a window washer!

 _MrsH_ : We should have known!

 _GL_ : Really?  You think so?

 _MH_ : It would explain his unlikely ascent.

 _GL_ : Christ

 _GL_ : All right

 _GL:_  We’re contacting the window washing company now

 _GL_ : Update: two of their employees never brought their van back to HQ today

 _GL_ : We’re searching for the other now - he’s probably the killer.

 _GL_ : Thanks for your help everyone!

 _GL_ : I’m going to sack Sherlock and replace him with this grouptext

 _MrsH_ : Haha!  He won’t like that

-

 _JW_ : Lots of excitement here this evening, sorry we missed it 

_SH_ : Yes, it’s reassuring, as a citizen of London, to hear that a high-ranking detective, a medical examiner, a government official, and a drug lord’s widow can together solve one simple murder.

 _MoH_ : Oh hush you

 _GL_ : Yeah, no giving us a hard time when you were MIA

 _GL has changed_ **Baker Street Tech Help Line** _to_   **Sherlock Holmes: Not Quite The World’s ONLY Consulting Detective**

 _GL_ : Where were you two anyway?  I must’ve rung you ten times 

_SH_ : Dinner

 _JW_ : Client

 _JW_ : That is

 _JW_ : We had dinner with a client

 _MrsH_ : Dinner with a client?

 _MrsH_ : Really?

 _JW_ : Yeah we do that

 _JW_ : Sometimes

 _MH_ : How interesting.

 _JW_ : Well done solving the case everyone!


	28. Chapter 28

**18 March 2018**

_JW_ : Is anyone free tomorrow night to mind Rosie?

 _GL_ : I’ll be at work

 _GL_ : I know Rosie doesn’t mind crime scenes, but sadly this is the boring administrative paperwork kind of work

 _GL_ : What have you got going on?

 _JW_ : Just some plans that came up

 _GL_ : So a date, then

 _JW_ : No

 _JW_ : No, not a date

 _GL_ : Yeah it’s definitely a date

 _MrsH_ : I’ll be at a 75th birthday party for an old school chum 

_MrsH_ : I’d bring Rosie along but I think it’s going to get a bit wild

 _JW_ : Right, that’s as much information as I need on that, thanks Mrs. H

 _MH_ : While I would gladly spend an evening with Rosamund, I’ll be on a different continent.

 _SH_ : You weren’t being asked, Mycroft.

 _SH_ : John should have clarified that he prefers people who are qualified to mind children, not countries.

 _MH_ : I can assure you that I am qualified to keep another human being alive.

 _MH_ : I’ve been successful with you so far, after all.

 _GL_ : Yeah but he was dead for a while so I’m not sure you can count that one mate

 _MoH_ : Ouch.

 _MoH_ : I’ve got plans with friends sorry John :( 

_MoH_ : I could cancel though?

 _JW_ : No Molly of course not, I’ll figure something out

 _GL:_  Oi Sherlock!  Why can't you stay home with Rosie?  

__

_SH:_  I’m busy.

 _GL_ : I’m sure your experiment on the tensile strength of chewing gum or whatever it is can wait

 _GL:_ John has a date!

 _SH_ : Yes, I know.

 _GL_ : So????  

 _SH:_ It’s with me.

 _GL:_  !

 _GL:_!!!

 _GL:_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 _MoH_ : What!? 

_MoH_ : How!? 

_MoH_ : When!?

 _MoH_ : Are you serious???!!!

 _MoH_ : Sherlock, why you didn’t say anything when you stopped by to look at the man who’d been drawn and quartered?

 _SH_ : It didn’t feel like the quite the moment what with all the dismemberment in the room.

 _GL_ : All right, which of you finally pulled their head out of their arse?

 _GL_ : I want to shake that man’s hand

 _MrsH_ : Oh boys I’m so happy! 

_MrsH_ : Also could one of you take the clothes out of the dryer please?  I’ve got a load to do

 _MrsH_ : If you’re not otherwise occupied that is ;)

 _GL_ : Oh my god is that why I couldn’t get ahold of you the other night?

 _GL_ : I had a case for you and you ignored me because you were busy having a snog?!

 _GL_ : Jesus

 _MH_ : [Attachment - Child Minders with Background Checks.doc]

 _GL_ : ^^^Mycroft’s way of saying he approves, presumably

 _JW:_  Sherlock

 _JW_ : This was not how we discussed doing this

 _JW_ : You’re impossible

 _JW_ : Shut up all of you

_GL has changed_ **Sherlock Holmes: Not Quite The World’s ONLY Consulting Detective** _to_ **Holmes-Watson Wedding Planning Committee**

_JW has changed_   **Holmes-Watson Wedding Planning Committee** _to_   **Fuck Off Lestrade**

****

_GL has changed_ **Fuck Off Lestrade** _to_   **Holmes-Watson Engagement Party Planning Committee At The Very Least**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time I've ever written a WIP, and it was an absolute blast - thank you so much to those of you who came along for the ride. I have so enjoyed talking to all of you and have appreciated every single comment and kudos enormously! An extra big thank you to Snapjack, my constant companion and cheerleader. 
> 
> And while this is the end of the grouptext for now, I can't promise that I won't revisit it someday. Maybe even Mycroft will be using bitmojis by then.


End file.
